We all want to feel competent and loveable. If there is a risk of being seen as not good enough, we’ll find ways to compensate.
When we consider the traits of ADHD and how that affects our view of ourselves, it makes sense that living in a world where neurotypical is held up as the standard, we’re likely to feel like we fall short. Add to that the experience of those who are late diagnosed or self-recognised, and you have potentially decades of beliefs about the self built on very shaky foundations.
If this is you, how many times can you remember an adult lamenting how you’re falling short of your potential? Suggesting that you might just try a little harder, or pay more attention to get there. Over time, those ideas become internalised and we believe that if we were doing enough, we would be successful. And that means that if we’re not succeeding, it’s because we’re not doing enough. What do you think that does to your self-esteem?
By definition, we struggle to concentrate, leading to errors that might seem silly to others. We might flit from one idea to another, unable to keep to what might seem a priority to others. We may be impulsive, taking risks or expressing ourselves in ways that don’t conform to the standards of others.
If we can’t see ourselves as being competent and we’ve been taught that competence makes you loveable, it leaves us in a very dark place indeed.
If you’re struggling to see how your (possibly newly found) ADHD identity can be seen as being a good enough person, it’s important to recognise that it’s not your fault that you see it that way. Growing up in a neurotypical world as someone who is different will teach you ways to cope with that, while possibly despising yourself for the times when your differences single you out.
Coping might look like you’re super-efficient, willing to take on more, and always agreeable. If you’re working longer and at a higher level of stress than is healthy for you, burnout is waiting for you.
Or perhaps coping looks like having a couple of glasses of wine a night after work, just to take the edge off a day when your senses were frazzled yet again. And maybe it’s quite a bit more than that on a weekend when a hangover won’t interfere with the view of yourself you’ve cultivated at work. This coping mechanism is not sustainable and will also turn into a physical obstacle, if it hasn’t already.
Or maybe you manage just fine at work or uni. In fact, people see you as outgoing, but when you get home you don’t have any patience left to deal with family life and relationships.
What do you think the unintended consequences of this way of coping are?
Until we’re able to view ADHD and the differences between us and NT people as features of how we’re built rather than deficits, we will always struggle to recognise ourselves as valuable and good enough exactly as we are.
To build a society that values everyone, we need to start with ourselves. This is a task of radical acceptance. It is possible to do on your own. And certainly, peer support can be helpful. However, if you engage a qualified and experienced therapist, they can offer you ways to avoid pitfalls and speed up your progress to a life that feels like the one you want. If you have battled low self-esteem for a long time and have been severely affected, making any kind of first step will feel overwhelming. Speaking to a therapist can equip you with important tools and help you create new ways to live your life.
If you find yourself struggling, or don’t know where to start, why not contact me for a FREE 30min call. I can help you pin down your needs and the best way forward, and we can see if I’m the right therapist for you.
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